Instead of trying to catch up with stories from the last few years, I may as well write about a day I had this week when my worst nightmare came true!
"What's the worst nightmare of an apartment manager?" you ask. Is it fire? No. Is it flood? No. Is it a massive tornado sweeping through the property and wiping out all the buildings except the one I live in? Sounds like a dream come true I say! Give up? Well let me tell you a story...
I often get phone calls from people wanting to relocate to our lovely state of Washington due to a job opportunity. This means they are coming from out-of-state and so the paperwork has to all be done using the marvelous technological devices that we have today, namely fax machines, scanners, computers (email), and sometimes the non-technological snail mail. I think I have perfected this process since many people have been relocating due to our terrible economy and a lack of available jobs. The process is quick and easy. My instructions are clear and precise. All information is shared to create an easy transition for all involved... so I thought.
The day arrives. The residents who shall remain nameless (let's call them RationalHe and RidiculouShe) are standing outside the office. A few minutes go by and finally Rational-He steps in the office. I introduce myself as the one on the other end of the faceless communication and offer to show him/them the apartment before signing any paperwork. He agrees.
We step outside and I suddenly have a sinking feeling in my stomach. The vibe outside is much different than in my office. I brush it off thinking I'm probably just tired and we walk the short distance to the destination. Once inside I introduce the place in my usual manner and finish with "So, is it everything you were expecting and more?" Usually the response to this question is an "Oh yes!" or "Even better!" You can guess how I felt when I heard "No, not at all. This looks nothing like the pictures!".... Um what? The pictures posted were taken just a few weeks back. How could it look nothing like the pictures? "Oh, well, what is it that's different?" I ask. "There's supposed to be a lot of grass for my kids to play!" This was followed by an onslaught of tears.... Okay not really, but almost. No tears fell but they were pooled on the edge of RidiculouShe's eyes. Aside from the discomfort from the very awkward and unreasonable emotions, I was relieved with her response. "OH the grass? Yes we have a large courtyard and pool. I took you straight to the apartment but the complex goes a ways back. Let me show you around."
Now we head back outside to walk the property. I thought my answer was sufficient to ease her concerns but boy was I wrong. We arrive at the courtyard after walking the few minutes with me leading the way. I was unable to decipher the obvious angry mutterings of RidiculouShe to RationalHe. The poor guy. But know there were mutterings just made me that much more uncomfortable. Part of me wanted to offer the place across the street just to get these people to vanish.
The tears start to well up again as she whispers to her husband, as if I don't notice. Finally I say "Is there something else concerning you? Are you concerned about safety?" I don't know how I had that notion but I was right on. "The store there on the corner. Who knows who could be going to and from that place. I can't let my kids play out here." Really? Lady, you have been here for 5 minutes and you're already thinking axe murderers walk around this place ready to pounce on you and your small children. "Well, this area is actually one of the safest areas in the city. We are know for being quieter and have some of the lowest crime rates around. In fact, my children are about the same age as yours and they often play out here with no problems."
She wasn't convinced. "Could you give us a second? Why don't we go get a coffee or something and come back," says RationalHe. By all means, take all the time in the world! If nothing else it will temporarily relieve me from this incredibly awkward situation! Maybe they just won't come back...
About 15 minutes later they come back to the office. She stands outside wiping away tears and her husband says "We're going to do it." As if he was investing millions into Enron just prior to its collapse. Seriously people.
You can probably guess how the rest of the story goes. Small talk ensues. Awkward. More questions. Papers signed. Awkward. More questions. Head to the unit to walk through. Awkward. More questions stemming from this woman's paranoia. Things like "What happens if there's a fire?" and "Will you do anything if my neighbor is so loud you can hear them from the street?" Call the police lady! "How much is laundry and where is it?" "$1 per machine and 8 other people share your facility" was followed by "What? That's expensive. And 8 people?! I do cloth diapers. Do people leave messes?"... Then "Is smoking allowed?". My "yes" answer to the latter was then followed with "So the person living below us can stand outside and blow smoke into my apartment?" My answer? Yes. Right in front of your window with their nose smashed against your screen taking the deepest breaths imaginable and then blowing a large billowing gust of tobacco/nicotine/tar infused smoke right into your apartment smothering you, your children, and all of your belongings... Well I wish I'd said that.
AWKWARD. Hmmm maybe questions you should have asked WHEN YOU WERE BACK IN OHIO! So today I curse the people in all of Ohio. Because I can. Curse you Ohio-ans!* Why must state borders be so easy to cross?!
*DISCLAIMER: I do not actually wish harm upon anyone from Ohio, in Ohio, or in the near vicinity of Ohio. Just know that some days people suck.
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